sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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