This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
