I will die if light touches me.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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