this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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