He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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