you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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