Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
