my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
