I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Randomize
