They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
