I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
