Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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