Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
