So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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