mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
