Already got asked if we're dating
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
