I wish I could teleport
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
