ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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