a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
