We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
