Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
