Your mouth is God's brothel.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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