Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
