Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
