I wanna passion pit in your ass
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Randomize
