Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
