Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I came so hard my ears popped.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
