I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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