Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
