Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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