it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
