I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
