Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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