I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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