Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
zippers are such a cool invention
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
