Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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