I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
