And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
