I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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