i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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