i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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