i just sent this text using only my big toe
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
