She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
