watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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