Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
