There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
