I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I said "one day" and that day is not today
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
