dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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