So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I deserve this hangover.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
