so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
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